FRL 201 Lawyer Jokes

	Grade Check:
	Finance, Real Estate, and Law 201. Spring Quarter 2004. Legal Environment of Business Law

Here you will find the definative collection of Lawyer Jokes on the net. The jokes have been seperated to several pages, please go through the pages before submitting.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the
basement."

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock
turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each
clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"

"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"

Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the
workshop and use it for a fan."

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was
a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by
people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

An attorney, new to town, sat down at the testimonial dinner honoring the local judge.

"Holy cow," he said aloud to the lady seated next to him, "You mean to tell me that bald, pudgy, bucktoothed, ugly little man is Judge Widgens!?"

The lady fired him a withering look."Young man," she said, "Do you know who I am?"

"No," replied the newcomer.

"I am Mrs. Widgens!"

"I see," said the lawyer. "And do you, Mrs. Widgens, know who I am?"

"I most certainly do not!" said the Judge's wife.

"Thank God!" said the lawyer, and he hurriedly left the room.

The attorney, picking a jury, said to Mrs. Winters, "Ma'am, you're the perfect person to sit on
this jury. Yet you tell me you can't do it. Why do you want me to dismiss you?"

She answered, "They don't want me away from my job."

"You mean they can't get along without you for a few days?" he retorted.

"Oh, they can get along without me alright, " she answered. "I just don't want them to realize it!"

A physician presented her bill to the probate court as the legal way to collect her fees from the
deceased person's estate.

"Do you need me to swear to my bill?" the doctor asked of the clerk.

"No," answered the clerk, "Death of the deceased is sufficient evidence that you attended him
professionally."

Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington D.C. has so many
lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.

"A good lawyer is a great liar."

--Edward Ward

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still

One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

          A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you mother do all day?"
          Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
          "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
          Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
          "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?"
          Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
          The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
          Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
          Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

When asked "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent."
--Oscar Wilde

          "When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
          When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
          When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
          --Lin Yutang

"I was never ruined but twice-once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."
--Voltaire

"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage."
--Ambrose Bierce

"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
--Lenny Bruce

Q: What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?

A: A sperm has a chance to become a human being some day.

Q: What do you learn in Prof. Bergstrom's Frl 201 class?

A: ALL TORTS OF STUFF!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! - O.K. I might have gone a little overboard, sorry.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal the following are 22 questions actually asked by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1."Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2."The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3."Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4."Where you alone or by yourself?"

5."Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6."Did he kill you?"

7."How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8."You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9."How many times have you committed suicide?"

10.Q:"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A:"yes"
Q:"And what were you doing at that time?"

11.Q:"She had three children, right?"
A:"yes"
Q:"How many were boys?"
A:"None"
Q:"Where there any girls?"

12.Q:"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A:"Yes"
Q:"And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13.Q:"Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A:"I went to Europe, sir."
Q:"And you took your new wife?"

14.Q:"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A:"By death."
Q:"And by who's death was it terminated?"

15.Q:"Can you describe the individual?"
A:"He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q:"Was this a male or female?"

16.Q:"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A:"No, This is how I dress when I go to work."

17.Q:"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A:"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18.Q:"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A:"Oral."

19.Q:"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q:"And Mr. Dennington was dead at that time?"
A:"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20.Q:"You were not shot in the fracas?"
A:"No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21.Q:"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A:"I have been since early childhood."

22.Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A:"NO."
Q:"Did you check for blood pressure?"
A:"No."
Q:"Did you check for breathing?"
A:"No."
Q:"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A:"No."
Q:"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A:"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q:"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A:"It is possible that he could've been alive and practicing law somewhere."

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said."That's my second wish."

Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferarris, "the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Q: Why don't lawyers sunbathe at the beach?

A: Because cats keep trying to cover them with sand.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take her nap, so she politely declines and rolls over the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me 45, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!!" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blondes' attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agress to the game. The layer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" the blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and handsit to the lawyer.

Now it's the blond's turn. She asks the lawyer. "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at ther with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. he taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and then the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.

All to no avail.
After over an hour, he awakes the blond and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blond and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?!" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

There was a job opening in the countryís most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Itís up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I donít understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Iíd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnít any money in either of them!

Once upon a time there was a engineer, he was the smartest in the whole world. One day as he was driving to work when he got into a car accident. He died instantly, without any pain or suffering. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a bright light, he was in front of God. But God wouldn't let him into heaven, because he had the gift of fixing anything. God had a special plan for the "smartest" engineer. God sent him to hell to fix things that were broken. The engineer went because he loved to fix things. A few months pass, and God wanted to see how things were going down in hell, where he sent the engineer. So, he called up the devil. When God asked how it was going, the devil said the engineer fixed everything. He fixed the air conditioner, toilets, escalators, the works. God under estimated the engineer's ability. He told the devil that he wanted the engineer back, so he could fix thing in heaven. The devil paused and said NO. God was furious, right then the devil said "What are you going to do? Sue me?". "With who" the devil replied. "ALL THE LAWYERS ARE DOWN HERE WITH ME, IN HELL".

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from the lawyer.

Q:What does a lawyer use for birth control?

Give up?

A:His/Her personality...

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