Here you will find the definative collection of Lawyer Jokes on the net. The jokes have been seperated to several pages, please go through the pages before submitting.

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A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked,"What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."


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A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney,
 who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.
          "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."
          "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket    than  you ever had in your head."


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A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I address the jury, I'll plead for
clemency."
          "Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer."


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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike
          computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.


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A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my
BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his  car was totalled. "My BMW! my BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "sir, sir, you're bleeding "my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "my Rolex! my Rolex!"


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A lawyer's job is secure-who would build a robot to do nothing?


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After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm
          complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"


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 The other day a lawyer remarked to a friend, "I just finished a puzzle and it only took me five months."
          "Five months?" her friend asked. "That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle."
          "Not at all," she explained. "The box says 6 to 12 years."


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A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your  daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your
martini."


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Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a
 $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.  Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"


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Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,
          Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
          Said the client, "Tell me how
          You can be friends, who fought just now."
          "Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,
          Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."
          --Burl Ives


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The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the
          table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"
          "What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."


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A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple
of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed
the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or
friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."


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A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six  months to live.
          "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
          "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."


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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last  time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few  days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an
infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed
up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"   "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


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          She: You just don't care anymore!
          He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better?
          She: Like what?
          He: How about a trip to Europe?
          She: No.
          He: What about a new Jaguar?
          She: No.
          He: Well, what DO you want?
          She: A divorce.
          He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.


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How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
          She has an extreme craving for baloney.


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          Q: What's a good wedding present for a lawyer who marries a snake?
          A: Towels marked Hiss and Hiss.


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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
          To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.


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Did you hear they came out with a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
          Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.


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After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to
 his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's
 activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide
 whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped
 to set it up.

          The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who  was dressed in workman's clothing. He said,

          "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended  their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows.  Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were  raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

          The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

          The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He
  said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who
  has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I
  believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the
  tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in
  dispute over who owns the cows."

          The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

          After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."

          "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"


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A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One
student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard
on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks,  arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding
forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the
 seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward
 the other student.
          "What's he talking about?" he whispered.
          "How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."
          --David Levin


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Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a
prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered
that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it  was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. "I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said.  Sally got the job.


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Between grand theft and a legal fee,
          There only stands a law degree.


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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone
 an orange, how would you go about it?"
          The student replied, "Here's an orange."
          The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
          The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and         singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind  whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"


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The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that
 first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.


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There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.


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Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
          Law school.


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A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York
City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so
punctual and polite."


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Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
          People were confused about which side to spit on.


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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks
in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to
track him down.

          After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty  six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

          But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

          "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

          The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


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A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
               Sautéed Tourist $10
               Braised Reporter $12
               Fried Diplomat $15
               Barbecued Lawyer $110
          A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.
          The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."


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Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?
          When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.


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Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
               A:You cry when you cut up an onion.


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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you
          go to lunch or read the paper?


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True story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an
intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
          Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."


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There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a
                                   hundred," he said. "Bury 10 of 'em."


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A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor
 asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and
said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden."
"I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden,
before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?"


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Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
               A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.


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          Q:What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
               A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.


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          Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
               A: A mouth with a life-support system


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Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
               A: A whine cellar.


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Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
               A: Both have hearts like stones.


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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
               A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they
               can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever


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 You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
                    lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
                    Shoot the lawyer. Twice.


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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
                    lawyer's rates.
                    "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
                    "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer
                    replied, "and what was your third question?"


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                    It was so cold last winter.
                    How cold was it?
                    I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!


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                    What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
                    Skeet


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The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.


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                    What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over
                    a cliff?
                    A Cadillac seats six


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                    Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who
                    do you kick in the teeth first??
                    Housain, Business before pleasure


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                    Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
                    Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.


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                    What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?
                    Lipstick


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                    Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
                    Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.


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                    Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at
                    a beach resort?
                    Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.


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                    What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from
                    hell?
                    Another lawyer.


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                    What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
                    1) The vulture eventually lets go.
                    2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles.


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                    What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
                    A gigolo only screws one person at a time.


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                    What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
                    A vampire only sucks blood at night.


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                    How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
                    Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.


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                    Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
                    Because deep down, they're really good people


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          "I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character."
          --Woodrow Wilson


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          Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
               A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as
               attached to them.
               One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human
               beings.

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          Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
               A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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          "A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs."
          --Anonymous


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 lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.


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          What do a baker and an attorney have in common?

          They both enjoy carving up the pie.


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          An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

          Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said  "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old
man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away.   Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically.
          "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for one hour's work isn't bad."

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          Human one: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

          Human two: Why do you say that?

          Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.


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          Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to
          understand why it had ended so quickly.

          "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve  unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy,  did they know how to charge."


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                    Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
          You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.


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          A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

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          A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight
          stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft.

          "Honey!" she shouted to her husband. "I'm melting!"

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          A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods  of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or  two.

          One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free  from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two
huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend,
 however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the  lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff  grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he
 was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the
bears were still there.

          "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

          The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

          "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

          "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the  male?"

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          After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he
          recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
          He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in          years.
          What are you doing these days?"

          "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

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          A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

          The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

          The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
          The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

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                    How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

               54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1
               to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write
               interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for
               professional services.

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          Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

          The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy" you'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
          "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

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          What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
               A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

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          Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the  first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk  tracks.

          They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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          A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a  man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

          "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

          "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

          "I'll take it!," the attorney said.

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          A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.

          His wife asks, "What's the matter?"

          "My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied. "That's terrible," said his  wife.

          "You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."

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          Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
               A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

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Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

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Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
     The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
     "I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically  ordered".
     The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
     The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their behind  are interchangeable."


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A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No."
 "Did you check for breathing?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make  sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere


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After a bus accident which sent all the members of a popular heavy metal band to their just reward, there was loud music  played night after night in Hell. The music was so loud that it could be heard clearly throughout Heaven. St. Peter called  Satan on the telephone to complain: "Lucifer, turn that music down. You're giving the saints headaches, and even the cherubim are getting bitchy."
"No way, Pete," the Devil replied, "This is my house, and I'll make as much noise as I like."
"If you don't turn down that damn noise," Peter threatened, "I'll sue!" "Yeah, right," said Satan, "Where you gonna find a
     lawyer?"


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A woman wants a brain transplant, so she goes to the local brain bank to find out how much it will cost. "Do you want a one pound brain, or a two pound brain?" the doctor asks. "Oh, I think a one pound brain will do," the woman replies.
     "Okay, what profession would you like?" "Pardon?" "Well, the cost of the brain depends on the profession of the person  who donated it. For example, an architect's brain is $10,000. An artist's brain is $15,000. "I've always wanted to  practice the law," the woman replies. "How much for a lawyer's brain?" "One million dollars," the doctor replies. "Why  so much? an architect's brain is only $10,000." "Lady," the doctor says, "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it   takes to get a pound of brain?"


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          A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
          "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a
          beautiful woman."
          "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's  punishment?"

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          A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

          "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

          "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

          The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant  to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

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