Finance, Real Estate, and Law 201.
Spring Quarter 2004.
Legal Environment of Business Law
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| Finance, Real Estate, and Law 201.
Spring Quarter 2004. Legal Environment of Business Law |
               
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 Here you will find the definative collection of Lawyer Jokes on the net. The jokes have been seperated to several pages, please go through the pages before submitting. You are at Page 1 of the Lawyer Jokes page.
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
1.The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
NOTE: The above described steps may be
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers." Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A: A tick drops off you when you die. Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? A: You can make a pet out of the snake. Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth. A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer." A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country." Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers. Q: Why are lawyers like beavers? A: They get in the mainstream and dam it up. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining." The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?" The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."
A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself." A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?" "Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer. There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?" "Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home." The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win." Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In
court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The
lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the
Joe
thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked
my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was
in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford? An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?" What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good! What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" ...A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?" A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly
after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party
inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that
he could not sleep. There were pigs in
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This
seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was
heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the
very indignant cows and pigs.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer. As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The
lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into
that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The
man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper
shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return thebrass rat!"
The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a
brass lawyer in stock."
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
A prominent
young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex
lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter
started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely
death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only
35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering
the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned,
he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son.
We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed
to your clients, and you're at least 108."
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way." How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim "That's Strange!" Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries. A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust. The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest. A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-we had $100 when we broke in!" Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail. Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow." "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down." Please note the guidelines may change without notice. It is your responsibility to know the most recent set of guidelines and apply them to your work. Changes in guidelines affect only those work submitted after the change. Please note, also, that we can only award points to those entries that are received. Since we have no direct control over the performance of the web server, we can not and will not be held responsible for those entries that are not received. |
