"Whatever You Want"
Bush called a meeting of his best friends the day after he was selected. Everyone was there - the Texas country club set, the CCC (no, not the KKK, not the White Citizens' Council, these boys are different), the CEOs, the Christian Reconstructionists, the Amerika uber alles set, the Skull n Bones crowd, Wall Street, the bankers, the business lobbyists freshly retired from their legislative appointments - everyone who'd given him campaign money and support. He owed them big time.
"So, my friends, what can I do for you?"
Big Pharma cleared its throat, which was husky from all the cigars, and spoke. "Well, little buddy, we'd like a break on all these lawsuits by consumers who stupidly die from using our products."
"Yes, sir. How about a limitation on l-l-litigation?" said Bush, stammering on the dreaded word and blushing at his own alliterative genius. "We could git after all them trial lawyers gittin rich off the po lil compnies tryina make life better fer you an me." He grinned, as he slipped into his lyrical down homese.
"That would be great. We want some extensions on our patents, too, so these up-start generic and foreign manufacturers can't compete with us for a long time to come."
"Don't worry. We'll gitcha some help on that one. What else, folks?"
The guys from Arthur Anderson and Smith, Barney raised their hands. One of them said, giggling, "You know, George, we've found out there are a couple of politicians and gubmint officials we can't buy! They say they're honest. How can they claim to be honest when they're not being faithful to capitalism? Anyway, we can't go on doing the important work of globalization with all these state and federal organizations trying to tell us what to do with people's money!"
"Well, of course you can't. The financial sector is at the very heart of our mission to carry freedom to the rest of the world. Don't you worry. No more audits. These people can be replaced with politicians and judges who don't know the difference between equity and expenses."
"How about the bankruptcy rules," chimed in a crony from Citibank. "When the consumers declare bankruptcy, we don't get first dibs on what's left! How can we keep up the level of debt we're so proud of as Americans if the credit card companies don't get paid first?"
"We'll fix it. Don't you guys help a lot of the congress people, too? They don't want you goin outa business just cuz some schmo doesn't wanna work. We'll make 'em pay. And, of course, if corporations go bankrupt, you shouldn't have to pay anybody back. It's only fair."
"Boolah! Boolah!" came a whoop from the back of the room. A slightly sloshed-looking, but impeccably dressed gentleman raised his hand. "George, my brother, we've been thinking about taxshes."
"Boolah, boolah, brother," replied the President, making a mysterious hand sign, "we go back a long way … why, it's been … well, I don't remember, but a long time. I know what you're going to say."
"Inheritance! Dividends! Capital earnings! Appreciation! IPOs! Acquisitions! Mergers! These things are sacred. The top tax bracket must go. That ish, the boys on top shouldn't have any tax bracket. Get rid of that shtuff, and you'll really shee the miracle of the market!"
"Yeehaw! Ya know, Poppy said this kind of economics didn't make any sense, but it sure got me elected."
Big Oil stood up, and everyone was respectfully quiet.
"Yes, sir, Big. What can I do ya fer?" asked the President.
"We've 'bout run out of places to drill, you know. These tree-huggers are already squeaking about ANWR, and some of the Congressmen are squishy on the environment, even the ones we thought we bought. Don't they know Anwar was Sadat's first name? Why would they want to protect something with a A-rab name? And climate change! Don't get me started!"
"Well, sir, as you know, we've put together a pretty good team for you in this administration. Dick, Condi, me, lots of others. We're protecting your pipelines in Colombia. We've got some ideas of how to get you into ANWR, and maybe into the Middle East, too. And who knows, Central Asia? How'd you like to run Iraq?"
"Sounds good. We'll start jacking up the pump price right away."
"Good. That'll help. And we've got a few o' our kind of scientists to explain how global warming is a good thing … good fer business, heh heh heh. Who's next?"
"Mr. President, you won't be able to get the public on your side for the main things you're interested in - the religious values, the world conquest, putting us (your best buddies) in charge of everything - unless you've got the media under control."
"Thank you, Rupert. I sort of know you're right on that one. But we've got something special for you there. We're putting Colin's son at the head of the FCC, and we're going to get rid of all the dumb rules in between you and total ownership. And then we'll be so close that hardly anyone will be able to tell the difference between gubmint and news!"
"What if the public finds out? They might not like the idea of a few giant companies owning all the media. They might start talking about (whispering) monopoly."
"Isn't that a board game? Well, we can just do it secretly, like the trade deals. And if we have to say anything, we'll just tell 'em the opposite of what's true, like we always do. We'll say it's good for competition, it'll keep costs down for consumers, that it'll increase their choices. When you say the opposite, it confuses 'em. They can't believe you'd be fibbing straight out like that." Bush emitted his signature cackle.
"Mr. President, we're having a little trouble with some of these native people … they're calling themselves Disney or Dine or something now … they don't like the arsenic in the slurry water," said a beautifully dressed man in the back.
"Yeah, I heard about that, Mr. Coal. But so far as I'm concerned, our environmental policy is the same thing as our energy policy and our energy policy is whatever you guys say it is. In fact, our foreign policy is, too. Didn't you get invited to that meeting with Dick with the oil and the nuke boys? Yessir, that problem's goin' away. And did you ever hear of any Indians winning in a U.S. court? Certainly not our courts."
"Excuse me, my presidential friend, we think our campaign contributions and the great work our lobbyists are doing ought to buy us a little freedom from these workplace safety restrictions, too," spoke up the woman from the ConAgra Corp.
"Oh, yeah, absolutely, I haven't forgotten that one, ma'am. We're going to start off with that problem, actually, just the little ergonomic requirements first - we'll get rid of those as an unfair cost to business - and then we'll get on to your issues. Let's see, you've got these stupid guys falling into the acid vats because the floor is so slick with blood, right?"
"I don't know exactly, they're always complaining about something."
"Of course. Well, they're not citizens, I'll bet. We've got some great ideas about illegal aliens, and immigrants, too, in fact. We'll call it the "Visitors Program". We can shut them up quick. And with the tax cuts for us and our friends and the great freedoms to move manufacturing overseas, hold down wages, overcome unreasonable barriers to trade, and avoid corporate accountability, you won't have to worry about the unions, either. Everybody will be happy to have a job - any job, at any pay, under any conditions."
Another hand went up. "Sir, about the schools," said another executive type. "Our group is really interested in getting the government entirely out of the business of education. After all, why should there be any business as big as teaching children that so few people are making a profit on? Huh? Does that make sense in a free market economy? No, why that's socialism, isn't it? And the government doesn't have the moral authority to really shape our young people. There are some good Christian people who know how to do that, but they're being discriminated against in the public school system. Get rid of it."
"Amen," said the President, nodding his agreement.
"Hear, hear," applauded the rep from the HMO lobby. "We think the same way about health. Privatization hasn't gone far enough yet, we've still got Medicaid and all kinds of public assistance. We should be managing all these programs, not the government."
"It was really lucky for us the Clintons screwed up that health plan they proposed. We've gotten a lot of great publicity out of that."
"Actually, we sabotaged that, sir."
"Oh, well, good for you. Anything else, friends?"
"We need more judges, Brother," cried out a neatly-dressed man who was carefully wiping foam from his lips. "Some of them are still upholding Roe."
"Yeah, well, judges die and retire, don't they? John Ashcroft and Karl and I have a long list of names that have been approved by Randall Terry and Jesse Helms. If you guys keep me in office long enough, we'll replace all the liberals on all the courts."
"Aren't you worried about the feminazi majority in Congress and in the country? They'll veto all those names."
"Aha, but not if there's a national emergency or if they're not looking. Karl's got some big plans to distract 'em good."
The frothing man breathed a sigh of relief, muttered "Hallelujah," and sat down next to his display doll of a mutilated fetus. The guy sitting on the other side of him stood up, waving at the president.
"We're thinking it's about time we took the country back from these perverts, too, who are behind the Homosexual Agenda. Why, they're running half the cities and all of Hollywood. Some of the states are acting like it might be okay for them to get married, have kids, and God only knows what else, just like real people."
"You know how I feel about that, Ralph. Once we control the courts, we'll control the law. And there's other things we can do, too, like we can just round 'em up and take away their library cards and execute 'em, okay?"
"That's illegal, sir," someone whispered.
"Hmm, let's change it, then."
"You need the votes for that kind of courageous action, Mr. President. Some voters might think it's a little threatening, in terms of the, er, rights problem."
"What was the name of that company that helped us so much in Florida, Jeb?"
"I think they're calling themselves Choice Point now, George."
"Don't worry, we'll control the votes, too. We're gonna help America vote. Sounds like a good name for a program, eh? We're starting on my re-election right away. Once we get the momentum going, they won't be able to stop us for years and years. And who knows, maybe by 2008 we won't have to have elections any more. We'll just know the will of America." A far-away look came into his eyes.
One of the lobbyists for Israel stood up. "We've been getting some bad publicity about the poor little Palestinians and their pathetic attempts to get us out of 'their' fields and villages. You know we supported you, now what do you have in mind for us?"
"Well, everything is what you call it, ain't it? But, you know, I'm getting a little tired. I've only had ten diet Cokes today, and I have a headache." A dozen hands went up, and voices cried out for attention. "What about the GM foods? We've got to get the public to buy into it, so we can own the crops … oh, and feed the hungry, sir!" "Don't forget about the SUVs!" "We want more prison labor!" There was a terrific clamor.
"Karl, somebody, can you handle the rest of these folks.
Just tell 'em, you'll get whatever you want. Just name it. Whatever
you want." He walked out, looking around vaguely for someone
to tell him where to go.